Arrogant, self righteous and disrespectful are the words that come to mind when we watch someone in control mode. A trait that is extremely difficult to deal with, the need to control is born from fear. Fear of not being okay, of what people will think, of self doubt. Old childhood stuff, often unresolved rage at controlling or demeaning parents, can result in a need to dominate. Sadly, the controlled child usually becomes fearful and angry, develops into a controlling adult and perpetuates the cycle of dysfunction. He (or she) may find a spouse who allows him to “run” the family, dominate the marriage and the children, the money and everything else. If you do what he says, his fear is temporarily assuaged. If you do not bend to his control, he becomes increasingly angry, a consequence of his fear of not being in charge.

When confronted, control freaks always have a justification: Consider this parent/spouse: “It’s better for them if they eat____ (whatever I want them to eat), or wear_________ (what I choose)”.  Or, “I was just trying to explain how it should be done” or, “he should do it the right way.” “She should do THAT sport, and play THAT position; she doesn’t know what’s best for her.” Carry it on into choosing friends, college courses, a career or job and spouse. Whatever it is, if it is not done to his/her specifications, the control freak demeans his children by discounting their efforts and showing them “the right way”, his way. Hmmmm.

Always ready to explain away his need to be in charge by telling of his good intentions the controller conveniently misses the point that this kind of intrusion and interference is offensive and emotionally abusive. Of course parents of small children need to allow only age appropriate choices or lack thereof, but your teenager, college student and spouse are not toddlers. Letting go of control of your children at suitable times allows their independence and self reliance to develop…then they won’t be like you, anxious and insecure, attempting to change or control, or at least criticize something or someone just to feel better. They may be able to relax and know that they are okay, just the way they are.

Check your motives and your behavior. Why not let your child   choose his own clothing? So what if the 5 year old wears a mismatched outfit? Is what other people think more important than your child’s self esteem? And, Mommy and Daddy Dearest, anyone who lives or works with children will simply think, “what good parents, they let little Joey dress himself today!” What if your adolescent daughter wants to sign up for an activity nobody in the family has ever done? What better way to assert individuality? If an older child declines to wear a hat or coat because none of his friends do and it is just not cool, so what? No, upper respiratory illnesses are not caused by going out without a hat or coat; they are caused by viruses and bacteria.

One Thanksgiving long ago, one of my friends brought her teenage son with her to dinner in my home. He was sporting a bright blue Mohawk, the latest in his ever changing hair styles. He was kind and polite, taking responsibility for the younger children. His mother never blinked an eye, never apologized for his outrageous hair, simply let him be himself. She had taught him the important qualities of kindness and respect while allowing him to express himself with a harmless hair style. His hair looks normal and conservative now, appropriate for his age and profession, and he is a professional, still kind and respectful. I commend them both, as I do those of you who seek that balance between providing guidelines for your children and letting them be themselves.

Dr. Dawn Obrecht is the only MD addiction medicine specialist on the western slope of Colorado. She is a Fellow of the American Society of Addiction Medicine and her office is in Steamboat Springs. She teaches a communication course to medical students at the University Of Colorado Health Sciences Center in Denver and can be reached through www.docdawn.com.

Copyright Dawn Obrecht 2010